Fuck Koalas

Here’s the deal... Koalas are dicks. 

Maybe "dicks" isn't the right word, but these seemingly little balls of furry love are actually insanely lazy and moronic freaks of nature.  

I don’t know all the reasons why they are the way they are, but I have several facts that I will share with you here.  Most of these tidbits I "borrowed' from some random Reddit thread, but I fact-checked them just enough to make me happy.

So here we go...

First off, koalas have one of the smallest brain-to-body ratios of any mammal (marsupials are a subspecies of the mammal family), and those small brains are abnormally smooth.

Why is a smooth brain a bad thing, Large?

Well, because normally a brain contains many folds to increase the surface area for neurons. Therefore, the more wrinkled the brain, the more intelligent the being possessing that brain.  

My brain looks like an old scrotum while a koala's brain looks like a smooth walnut... I'm not bragging... It's science.

One of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that, in addition to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing koalas eat) have almost no nutritional value.  And because eucalyptus leaves hold such little dietary worth, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end.  So, unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal.  In other words, they are THICC AF because they need to store potentially poisonous eucalyptus leaves in their digestive tracts until their systems can suck what little nutrients they can out of this otherwise useless leaf.

Useless leaves that koalas will only eat off the actual eucalyptus tree because their small brains are unable to process food unless it is on the fucking tree. 

Therefore, if you present a koala with leaves freshly plucked from a branch and laid on a flat surface, they will not recognize it as food.  They are too thick (not thicc) to adapt their feeding behavior to cope with any change. So, in a room full of potential food, koalas can easily starve to death. 

Koalas have 2 thumbs on each paw.  

The male koala has an off-putting bifurcated penis (or a "double dick")...

... and the female has two lateral vaginas (sometimes 3) and two separate uteri.

Yes... Sometimes you do.

They sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives, and when they are awake, all they do is eat, shit, and occasionally scream like fucking burping banshees. 

Being marsupials (not bears, so stop calling them 'koala bears'... bears are smarter), koalas raise their joeys on milk. 

Shut up.

When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn't want to be eaten), the baby koala finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother's anus until she leaks a little runny diarrhea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. 

Fucking YIKES!

This partially digested plant matter/shit gives the kid just what it needs to start developing its digestive system. 

And outside of the obvious stigma of eating your mother's shit, this fecal pap is often deadly because Australian koalas are fucking RIDDLED with chlamydia...In some areas, the infection rate is 80% or higher AND their strain of the disease can be transferred to humans who come in contact with koala urine.

Wash those hands, Princess.

The rampant chlamydia statistic isn't helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape. 

Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating. If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree. 

Now, I am not implying that I’m happy koalas are dying in the wildfires that are currently ripping through the continent of Australia. As a matter of fact, given my druthers and according to my prayers, I would love to wake up tomorrow and learn these fires have all been extinguished. And I also wish that the 24 or so people arrested with ties to starting these fires are summarily beaten to death with either boomerangs, didgeridoos, or any other implement that’s traditionally used in Australia’s brand of frontier justice

What I am saying is that koalas have recently been given a tremendous amount of sympathy… Both on this site and beyond… And, in the same way I would point out misguided sympathy towards serial killers, rapists, and personal injury lawyers, I also feel compelled to simply point out that koalas are widely considered the assholes of the animal kingdom

I have nothing but sympathy for kangaroos, wallabies, dingos, emus, cassowaries, kookaburras, echidnas, bilbies, lyrebirds, cane toads, sugar gliders, bettongs, dugongs, taipans, galahs, potoroos, or any member of The Wiggles… 

… All of these Australian natives have both my sympathy for their recent battle with the aforementioned wildfires and they also have my respect for holding themselves to a higher standard than that asshole, the koala.

Here's the big ending…

I don’t go out of my way to wear fur. Nor do I wear leather to make some sort of anti-animal statement. However, if someone were to give me a brand new pair of koala head slippers, I would wear the shit out of them every fucking day just looking for some random detractor to complain so I can quickly educate either him or her (but probably her) just how deserving these little nuisances are of having my feet literally stuck in their faces.

Take a report.

-Large

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To jump ahead of the inevitable guy or girl (probably a guy) who comments some derivative of "Too soon." in the comment section of a blog that is clearly poking fun just for the sake of poking fun, I am attaching an Aussie RED CROSS link that I just cut a small check to in order to help the bushfire relief effort.

I requested that the paltry sum I donated NOT be earmarked towards ANY form of koala rescue whatsoever, but you can feel free to do whatever the fuck you want.

Thoughts to our friends Down Under, and prayers for rain.

TAR 

-L